things I'd rather not do alone

1. create memories associated with songs

2. cook for two

3. wake up on sunday and feel the romance of the sun rays on my wall

4. purchase plants and flowers/possibly hang some to dry

5. dissect my anxiety

6. learn how to manage my anxiety/hair pulling

7. live

8. go to the movie theater

9. understand my favorite quotes from Tom Robbins novels

10. roller skate

11. love

somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else somewhere else

Assateague Island

Assateague Island might be a place to see stars unobstructed.  My shortness of breath might take me there sooner than I expected.  I'm alone, and the walls are closing in.  Still, my lungs are stronger than yours.  I breathe, and I see stars.  Can't keep food down.  Have to keep my voice down.  You're buried underground, and Assateague is disappearing.  Somewhere, there is an island, and someday, there will just be stars.

Goals For The New Year

Preface: I feel that writing these things down is the first step to commitment.  If I have this as a reference, I can hopefully convince myself that these feelings and insecurities have persisted and continue to feel galvanized to make positive changes.  The most pressing insecurity that I feel is that I am being shaped into a person who I do not want to be.  This can be based on a number of factors.  Instagram has become what Facebook used to be for me: A fake world with contrived personalities that deliver a message to nearly strangers before having a real interaction in the tangible universe that WE ALL LIVE IN.  I by no means wish to quit taking photos, but this platform does nothing to benefit what I want to be as an artist or who I want to be as a person.  IG puts us in constant passive conversations.  

The next significant piece that relates to my unstable identity is my environment.  I have lived in Columbus for five years now, and have fallen into a circle of people and places that I frequent.  I do not dislike these proper nouns by any means, but everything has become KNOWN.  "Known" leaves no room for knowing.  I do not want my identity to be decided by how I dress, who I hang out with, who I photograph, or where I like to drink beers.  Again, I enjoy everything that I just listed, but by keeping my followers informed of these things creates a persona, and consequently, I feel forced into that persona by perception.

Another insecurity that I have finally acknowledged is my mollification of internal battles and an unwillingness to help myself.  I have faced some very real reoccurring feelings (such as those I have just expressed) that I have failed to confront due to my daily focus on the issues.  I allow the day to determine how I feel rather than consider the frequency of such emotions and make a healthy change for myself.

Here are my goals:

1. Give up Instagram for the entire month of January.  Do not look at it AT ALL.

2. Be brave.

3. Drink less.

4. Consume less.

5. Exercise and eat as you know you should. 

6. Be less stressed out and stop pulling out your hair.

7. Consider what you want to do after Columbus.

8. Read more.

9. Seek out a humanitarian endeavor.